Morning Baby

Dear Sage- Good Morning Love! I really don't have much to day today other then the fact that I'm so lucky to have you. I'm blessed that your my daughter and you are who you are. I love you to the moon and back! Mommy

Sad News

Dear Sage- We where given sad news. And I couldn't tell you all of it because your still way to young to understand. We found out Poppa's Cancer is back. That's about all you DO know. What you DON'T know is how bad it is. I'm writing this because I want you to know everything. When Poppa first got the cancer two years ago, he had it removed and had chemo. The chemo was the hardest thing he's every done. And sense then he's always said that he would never do that again. Ever. Well now there's a new Cancer. It's taken over most of the whole lung and it's in part of the 1/2 lung he has left. It's also on a lymph node. Which means it's going to spread through out his body. They told Poppa all his options. Which are all bad. No matter how you look at it. Without treatment he have him maybe 4-8 more months. With treatment and it not working we have him 16-20 months. If it works, we could have him for, god willing, years. The treatment is going to be horrible for Poppa. Chemo and radiation for 6 weeks straight, 5 days radiation and 1 day chemo. Poppa's doing it because he loves us and wants to be with us for as long as he possibly can. It's going to be the hardest thing he's ever done in his whole life, but he's doing it for You, Nenna, Mema and I. He doesn't want to leave his "girls". Poppa is gonna be in bad shape the next few weeks. I just hope someday when you look back on this you remember him for the great man he is and not what is going to happen to him soon. I have to stop now cause it's hard for me. I will write more another time. I love you baby Mommy

Ackward Conversations

Dear Sage- Today is a two letter day. I think I like that :) Yesterday we had a discussion that you didn't like. Honestly baby, I didn't like it either. But it needed to be done. It wasn't the first, and sadly it won't be the last. Yesterday I had to discuss with you about bad people. Specifically a bad man who lives in the community, who taught at your school and others schools. A substitute who was arrested for child porn. Now this man, thankfully, never was in your class. But he did get arrested and he did do bad things, and it's my job to make sure your aware and you know what to do. I don't think I can tell you enough how it's NOT OK, and to SPEAKE UP. These people pray on the children who they think will be silent and scared and wont tell. I want you to TELL THE WORLD. I want all children TO SCREAM at the top of their lungs. We had a small conversation about it and I could tell you didn't know what to think. But I could also tell that you WOULD tell me if something happened. If someone made you feel uncomfortable or asked you to do things you know you are not supposed to do. I'm sorry we live in a world that we have to discuss this, and more then just once. Sadly we live in a world where some people have a hard time distinguishing right from wrong. I try my hardest, with every breathe, to make sure that you aren't around people who don't know the difference. But in doing that, sadly it means that we have to talk about it. And I have to educate you so that you are prepared for what could happen. I'm sorry. I wish I could make it all go away. I love you infinity googolplex Graham's Number Mommy

New Challenges

Dear Sage- You have started the Fourth Grade and your thriving. I love how much your enjoying learning and I hope it stays this way forever. Reality tends to lead me to believe that you will start to dislike school once your in Middle School, and that's okay as long as you still try. Right now you have signed up for Art Club, Chorus and Band. My busy little girl. I enjoy listening to you talk about these things and the fun you are having. But last night I noticed that you where getting frustrated with yourself. You have just started the Flute. You have had two lessons at school and you ARE trying at home. It's not easy. The mean it when they say practice makes perfect. I saw you trying VERY hard and still not getting what you wanted out of it. It will be okay. The more you practice, the more lessons you attended, the easier it gets. This is a test of patience and character. And honestly baby girl, from what I have seen your doing just fine. You continued to practice the whole 20 minutes like you where supposed to. You where determined to finish it out and that shows a lot. I'm proud of you for not giving up. I will continue to be proud of you for trying, even if you don't always get the 100% desired results. I can't wait to write you and tell you what a amazing job your doing, how much you have learned and how beautifully you play. I can see it in your future. I have faith. I love you infinity googolplex Graham's Number Mommy

Fourth Grade

Dear Sage- Where has the time gone? Tomorrow is the first day of Fourth Grade for you. I'm sitting here thinking about all the milestones and days that have gone by, too fast. I remember taking you to your first day of Kindergarten. How excited you where in your new outfit and your hair done all cute. You where so ready for school. I was excited for you but so sad. You where starting school, I wasn't fully ready for that yet. I have worked sense you where born, so me being separate from you wasn't so much the issue as it was that you where getting older. You where going to be wiser and Mommy wouldn't know everything you needed to know any more. I've seen you grow so much in just the last four years, not only physically but mentally as well. It is amazing to me the things your mind can retain. Your such a smart girl with a love of learning right now. I hope that never changes. If I could make a wish or two for you in this new year it would be the following: -For you to make friends, even with the people who where "mean" last year. Let the old go, bygones be bygones. Remember what I say, "You never know what is going on in someone else's life. What if they are having a hard time at home and that's why they aren't always nice at school." People have bad days now and then. Sometimes you have to be reminded to use nicer words and not sound like your being pushy or bossy when you don't intend to. -When the holidays come around, just remember the good things about our little family. I know sometimes it's very hard for you with everyone talking about the things they do with their Moms and Dads. It break's my heart how strong you are when it comes to your Father. I will always do my best to make sure your proud of your little family. It may only be just the few of us (Poppa, Memma, Nenna and I) but we love you more then anything. There's nothing that we wouldn't do for you. So when your sad about your Dad around those days, try to remember the positive you have in your life. It wont always help and I know it wont make it go away, I just hope it helps. You have a tendency to act out during these times of the year. I will never know your pain, I will never be able to make it go away. I just hope that it helps to think of these positive things. -Learn(silly I know) But learn it all. Not just what they are lecturing about in class. But learn how people work. All people. Learn about their lives and their traditions. Learn to be a honest, open minded, caring person. A young woman with a open heart and open mind will go far. And I know you have it in you to be the most amazing person. I love you so much. I want the world for you. I hope I can help you achieve a piece of it. Love you infinity, googolplex, Grahams Number, Mommy

School

Dear Sage- School starts soon. In less then a month you will be a 4th grader. It's amazing to me how quickly time is going. I feel like your first day of kindergarten was last week. I remember how excited you where. You got up early, had on all your new school clothes. You wanted to go right away but we had to wait. You don't appreciate waiting. hehehehe Now soon it's going to be your first day for the 4th grade. I'm proud of you. So proud of you. You have so much planned for the year and your not nervous at all. I will be nervous for the both of us. Flute, soccer and chorus, my active little girl. I know your going to excel in all that you do because you try hard and you have faith in yourself. Your a smart girl, and your going to do fine. It's me that isn't hehehe. Love Always Mommy

Love you

Dear Sage- Your at your Poppa and Mema's, and I find myself missing you. I'm so glad that your getting to spend time with them this summer. I have very wonderful memories of me spending time at my Grandmothers when I was younger. She was my best friend until she left us six years ago. I want you and your grandparents to have that same relationship. But I can't help but miss you when your gone. We are lucky enough to spend a great amount of time together, and love it, but when we get our time apart I still miss you. It's not the same being home and you not being there. It's weird for me. I can foresee having serious empty nest issues when you go off to college and start your amazing life. Until then though I plan on driving you insane with me nagging you, loving you and looking out for you. :) Love you infinity googolplex Grahams Number Mommy

Disney

Dear Sage- Well Mommy has started a Disney fund. All a surprise for your Birthday coming up in February. I pray every night that I'm able to get it all together like I want. I know it's going to be expensive and I'm going to do all that I can to get us there. I want to surprise you on your birthday with something that says "Surprise your going to Disney". I have it all thought out. This is going to work out great. Your going to pick your normal "theme" out early and I'm going to let you tell me all the awesome presents you want and all that great stuff. Then I'm going to have NONE of it when it's party time and then your going to see the gift showing we are going. You and Momma in a hotel and having a good time with the Disney Princess's and in the water park. And this will be our first official "Family Vacation" and your going to be 10. Sorry it's taken me so long. But I have a good job now and I WILL make this happen. Come hell or high water. I hope in future years when you read this you remember this trip and your happy. I hope you see this some day and who ever your reading it with says "Did that really happen?" and you respond with "Oh my god! It was AWESOME!" and can list off all the great memories you have from this. And I hope to be able to add many, many more to that. Love you! Mommy

Bad Mother

Dear Sage- The last few days have been rough. I'm feeling like the worst Mother ever and your doing all you can to make me feel better. Which makes me feel worse, not your fault. Mommy's finally got a good job and I'm trying to get us back up and on our feet and it seems like one thing after another. I just cant seem to get the car working right. So I've been taking a cab to work for months now and figuring out how to get home. The cab is costing a fortune but I know I cant loose this job. So because I cant keep up with the bills now the lights are out. And because they want so much money, money I don't have, I don't know when they are going to be back on. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. And your being such a good sport and not complaining. Even offering me your $2 from your wallet. Your compassion and smiles just make my heart swell. I wish I could be the mother you deserve. I wish that you wouldn't have to even know about things like no car, the power going out, food being low in the cupboards until pay day. I promise you that I'm trying my hardest. That EVERYTHING I do, I do to try to make your life better. To make you happy. To see you smile and hear you tell me that you love me. I want to be the mother that you can be proud of and that you can say gave her all. I'm trying. I love you infinity googolplex, Mommy

Sorry

Dear Sage- Today I want to apologize. I want to apologize for a number of things. For not being able to do all the things you want to do. For not taking you to the lake every day, for not letting you play with kids that are not good for you to be around. But most of all for doing my job. I know that in a few years we will be at odds. At odds because you will be a teenager going through your life making decisions that you have to live with. Decisions that I'm going to not agree with and most likely end up fighting with you about. Just know, that I'm not doing this because I don't love you. I'm doing it because I DO love you. I want you to learn from your mistakes. But some things as a Mother, you just have to put your foot down and not allow. Not give you the chance to learn from. There are so many forces in this world that are going against you from the moment you are born. And it's my job to do what I have to do to keep you far away from those things. I will ground you, for long periods of time. I will most likely yell at you, for long periods of time. I will take things from you (phone, tv, ect.), for long periods of time. I will do all this, for one reason: I want to have you in my life, for a long period of time. You are to young for a lot of the talks. But they will happen. You will be uncomfortable, and believe me, so will I. You wont understand why I'm talking to you about these things because you learn about them in school and your smart enough to say no. But I will do it any way. I hope every day no matter how mad you get at me, you know that I'm doing all this because your my baby girl and I love you and want to keep you as safe as I possibly can. Your only 9 years old but your so much more mature beyond your years. I know things are going to go fast, the years are already flying by. Soon, to soon, I will be enemy number 1, but I will always be your Mother. And I will always do what's best for you. I love you infinity googolplex, Momma